I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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