some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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