They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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