I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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