The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
