if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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