i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
