I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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