Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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