I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
as a side note pls kill me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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