i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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