My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
