i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
