He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
