Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
