You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
