Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
