you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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