Umm I'm too high to move.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
