I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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