I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I understand Curling. That high.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
