When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I've blown a few things in my day
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
