I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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