Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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