Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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