Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My breasts were aching with rage.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
