Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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