He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
