I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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