apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
