So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
