Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
