She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
