i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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