You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
