The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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