Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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