I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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