So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize