I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
