I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
