i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
