I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
