remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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