She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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