My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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