I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
