I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
