so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
