I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
