Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Randomize
