I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
