He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
