So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
