a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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