So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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