Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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